Saturday, 17 February 2018

Feeling alone. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? But one that I have been suffering with for quite a while, and in a sense one that I am on a journey to become at peace with. Now when most people think of loneliness they automatically assume being alone, completely alone, so isolated that they have NOBODY to talk to. But that isn't always the case. My loneliness is 90% in my mind and that is the hardest kind of loneliness. One that isn't really there, but consumes your mind on a daily basis. I've been meaning to write a post on this for quite some time now but its only now that I've really began to feel at peace with this feeling, and its only now that I'm learning that being alone doesn't always have to be a negative concept.

Now I say that my loneliness is 90% in my mind because it is, for a few years now I've developed some unexplained fears of being completely alone. And yes that sounds totally ridiculous but that's the only way I can think of putting it, never in my life have I been abandoned and there's definitely no connections of this to my family which is what I find so bizarre about the fact that my brain had just started thinking like this. The only thing I can put it down to is past friendships. Now I've had many friendships that have come and gone over time, as does everyone. And the only thing I can put this feeling down to is the fact that none of my friendships ever ended in arguments or hate, but instead just drifting apart and us not being as close anymore. And I feel that its partly my fault and partly just how the world works. You see in my mind when I feel that maybe somebody is drifting apart from me a little or doesn't really put in the full effort that I do, my brain goes into overdrive. It panics. It starts thinking of all the small things that I may have possibly done wrong to make them not want to talk to me, and this then leads to me distancing myself from them. I gain the feeling that maybe I've been too intense, or full on..

But its not that at all, yes people drift apart and yes that is just how life works. As frustrating, sad and lonely as this can be it is just an element of life that individuals will always go through. But I'm a person that likes company, and I don't always need to be doing something but I like to just be in the company of other humans. It's strange because I never have the fear in my mind of losing individuals because I know that they will always be my friends whether we hang out constantly or not, it's more a fear of losing company. Its a fear of having time to myself, A place without others voices clearly isn't my forte. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me it's just the kind of person I am. I'm not needy for attention but simply needy for company. I have a mind that is both so motivated yet unmotivated. I have so many ideas and plans in my head but find it so hard to complete them. And this causes time alone to be quite difficult sometimes. But I'm slowly learning, slowly realising that time to myself isn't as scary as it has seemed the past few years. 

People need time to themselves every now and then, and that is totally okay and totally natural. And many cases totally needed. Time alone is a time to collect your thoughts, solve anything that is bothering you and get out and there and do what you need to do. Whether it be boring coursework, playing some games, or even just having a night to yourself to simply watch a film in bed with a cuppa. And this is where I need to insert a huge shout out to my boyfriend for teaching me that being alone shouldn't be a scary concept. Thank you to this man for being the most understanding and loving human 24/7.. except for when he's having a little tantrum as a result of coming second on PubG. (If you know, you know).

Anyway, back to the point of this post. Loneliness is something that I have struggled with, and its not been anything life changing just a little inconvenience from time to time. But I know that I can't be the only one that thinks this way. But for me its a learning curve, just another place in my life where I can set a goal for development. Another project if you'd like to think of it in that way. And I am getting there, it may be slow but I am. At the end of the day I can't change my personality, I am just in general somebody that likes to be within others company and chatting away to people that make me feel happy. 

But if you do have fears of being alone, just know you really aren't alone. You have so many people around you that if you really are feeling that lonely you can reach out to. Whether it just be for a little chat with a friend, or replying to somebodies tweet as a form of starting a conversation. My favourite way to distract myself is to take photos, photography is my passion and so yes god damn it I'm going to use it (Hence all the floral floral photographs in this post) There are so many little ways of combating this fear in your head;

  • Watch some you tube videos.
  • Put on a good film to get lost in.
  • Read a good book.
  • Give a family member a quick phone call.
  • Get in touch with an old friend and let those memories come flooding back.
  • Work on a new project;
  • whether it be a school project.
  • Redecorating your room.
  • Moving your furniture around.
  • Having a little clean.
  • Writing a blog post.
  • Pampering yourself with a little face mask and a long bath.

All of these things listed are activities that really work to keep your mind busy and that give your mind a sense of feeling that being alone doesn't make you lonely.And that really is the point of this post. Just because you physically are alone, it doesn't mean that you are lonely. And the sooner your mind realises this the sooner you can enjoy taking time to yourself as seriously as you need to. As for me, I'm doing great. I'm currently on my own and have spent the day planning blog posts and writing this one. But just know if you are feeling alone and don't feel that you can reach out for a chat with somebody you know that my comments are always open. You can also find me on social media through my little icons at the top of the blog. You are never alone, And there will always be somebody ready to listen.

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